Over the past year, there has been a theme song, Not one of my choosing though. It managed to start every concert I went to (even when it wasn't 'their' song). When I was driving down the highway and would turn on the radio, it would come on. Guess what was the opening song at MOPS Convention this year? THAT SONG!
Then I didn't hear it again for a while until I went to church again this morning:
I guess I assumed that God was using it to get me ready for my husband to leave for 400 days - always with the possibility that he may never come home. That is a hard thing to deal with, to live with daily for so long.
This morning at church, it had a whole different meaning.
The suffering I have been doing is way more than I ever expected or imagined and I haven't been blessing God's name through it all. I have been questioning why. Why me? Why now?
For the past six months or so, my health has been deteriorating. It started off by washing
It has progressed to the point that I have days I can't function enough to even take care of my children. To play with them or take them to the park. I consider it a good day if I can stand long enough to make dinner or have enough strength to bathe the three year-old. If I over do it, I spend the next day or two in bed. I have to take naps after any 'outing', like going to church.
I am angry. I am angry at doctors who think I am crazy and then apologize when the tests come back. I am angry at myself for not pushing through the pain and doing things that need to be done. I am angry at my husband - as if being in Iraq is something he can even control. When my baby was looking at pictures the other day and said, "that was before you were sick, huh mama?" - I think I was even angry at God.
My daily scripture text the other day said, "David didn't know that his bears were preparing him for a giant." I know that God is always preparing us for what is to come, but right now I am so weary and too afraid to face my giant.
I know that I can beat this and I do know that God is in control and with me every step. I can only pray that I will have the strength to say, Lord blessed be Your name...