I know people talk about the ‘perks’, but they are just trying to make it easier to cope. No amount of ‘tax free’ money or discount on car insurance can make it suck less.
I hate every part of this 400 day deployment…
I hate the fact that my kids don’t get to see their father. That he will miss birthdays and recitals and milestones that will never again be reached and that the oldest will be gone at college before her father comes home.
I hate when the 3 year old cries after each phone call when she remembers something she forgot to tell her daddy.
I hate the year's worth of pictures that are missing his smile.
I hate that we pay way too much every month for Iraqi internet that never works when I need it to.
I hate having to pump my own gas and wash my own car. Yes, I am spoiled.
I hate the constant, “when will he be home?” and “how do you do this?” questions that everyone asks.
I hate that I am envious of my friends whose husbands are home and safe and happy.
I hate living in an Air Force town and seeing the support and community for the wives and wondering why the Army National Guard can’t do a better job. And I hate that I am jealous of them coming home after only 6 – 8 months.
I hate going to bed alone and waking up in the middle of the night and reaching for someone that isn’t there.
I hate getting in the shower with the worry that I will miss his call.
I hate wondering, “is this it?” Will this be the last phone call, the last letter, the last box I mail?
I hate the fear that runs through my body whenever there is an unexpected knock, not knowing who is behind the door.
I hate worrying when I leave the kids at home to go to the commissary, that they might be the ones to answer that knock.
I hate the loneliness that is my constant companion, the void that can’t be filled by anyone else.
I hate what a 400 day separation is doing to our marriage and to me.
I hate that the only way I can face some days is to become numb and detached to everything that is going on around me...
Today especially, I hate that we are only half way through and I am sure this list will continue to grow.